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Children's Cries
By Genevieve Simperingham
The mood between parent and child is the main factor in determining a child’s “good” or “bad” behaviour. Adopting a punishment free approach to parenting, although challenging, is a key factor in establishing a stronger bond between parent and child. On the courses, parents learn what it means to parent “from the heart”, while maintaining strong and clear boundaries for their children.
The reality is that children can bounce back to balance no matter what life throws at them if their parent is consistently solid, calm and warm hearted towards them. Being a calm, confident and caring parent is something that all parents strive towards, but the reality is that for most people it takes a lot of learning of new skills and, invariably, the unlearning of old unhealthy habits. However, it is an approach that all parents can learn and those who master it find it highly rewarding as their relationship with their child blossoms.
Parents who gain a broader understanding of children’s behaviour often discover that what they had thought, for instance, was an issue of dealing with their child’s anger is really an issue of dealing with their own anger.
Can parent’s cope with their child’s cries?
The truth is that most parents were themselves made to bottle up their feelings and “toughen up” as children. If unresolved, these parents will mostly find their child’s tears cause them mild to extreme anxiety. It’s crucial that parents understand this process and learn to move past their embarrassment and childhood conditioning and gain a broader and much more positive understanding of the healing power of their child’s expression of the big feelings they carry in their little bodies.
According to Dr. Solter in her book, “Tears and Tantrums”: “Children’s tears and tantrums elicit strong feelings in adults. A survey in the US asked new mothers to describe their feelings when they were unable to quiet their crying infants. The mothers mentioned feeling exasperated, afraid, anxious, unloving, resentful and confused. Many had low self-confidence. Some even felt extreme hostility toward their infants. Similar results were found in a survey of mothers in England and Australia. In this study, 80 % of mothers whose babies cried extensively mentioned feeling depressed, and 50% of them felt a strong urge to hit their babies.
“Not surprisingly, crying has been linked to child abuse. In a survey of battered infants (in the USA), 80% of the parents reported that excessive crying by their infant had triggered the abuse.
Researchers have found that people recover from pain more rapidly when they focus their attention on the pain, rather than try to suppress it or distract themselves with other thoughts. Children instinctively know the importance of paying attention to pain.”
The understanding of the therapeutic and healing value of adults going to therapy, counselling and other feeling focused therapies is very widely understood and accepted now in our society in general. I believe that the next evolutionary step is to apply this understanding of the value of emotional validation and expression to our parenting practices. Teachers and caregivers can also benefit from this information.
In Aletha Solter's book "Tears and Tantrums", she says; "Researchers have measured physiological changes in adults following therapy sessions in which they cried hard. The results showed lower blood pressure and body temperature, slower heart rate, and more synchronized brain-wave patterns. This state of physiological relaxation was greater following crying than following physical exercise for an equivalent period of time! Biochemical studies have discovered greater concentrations of stress hormones in emotionally induced tears than in irritant-induced tears, leading to the theory that one purpose of crying is to rid the body of excessive amounts of these hormones."
With the recent “anti-smacking” legislation and the appalling prevalence of violent child abuse in our society, parents need effective information, reassurance, and constructive ways of handling their own and their children’s emotions. This will empower parents to parent with more confidence, clarity and empathy for themselves and their children on a daily basis, effectively preventing serious problems from building in the first place. This will contribute greatly to a reduction in child abuse and to a more harmonious family life in general.
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